"I Can't Have Sex": The Truth Behind Sexual Disorders

I just finished watching a show on MTV called True Life: I can't have sex. It looked into the lives of three women that could not have sexual intercourse with their partners, due to the excruciating pain. One of the girls said that sex to her "feels like sandpaper or like someone running a Brillo pad in her vagina and then pouring alcohol." Can you imagine? That amazing gift called a penis can bring someone so much discomfort and anguish? The three conditions these women had were (1) Vaginismus: an involuntary spasm of the muscles surrounding the vagina. These spasms actually close the vagina. (2)Vestibulitis: a condition which causes redness, inflammation and pain of the vestibular glands. It prevents them from working properly or at all. The vestibular glands are in control of providing the moisture and proper lubrication for intercourse. (3) Pelvic Floor Disorder: The pelvic floor is a network of muscles, ligaments, and tissues that act like a hammock to support the organs. This disorder weakens the muscles, the ligaments or tissues are stretched or damaged and the pelvic organs drop down and protrude into the vagina. I was in complete shock as I watched these women in agony from being inserted by a diaphragm that mimicked the width and length of a tampon. Here is my theory: One of our defense mechanisms as humans is called repression. Repression is the unconscious hiding of uncomfortable thoughts. This is very common in men and women that have been sexually abused at a young age.  I think these women may have been victims and don't even know it. Their bodies had to shut down in order for them to mentally endure the abuse they experienced. Subconsciously, when their mind is aware that the act of sex is approaching, it reverts to a state that it has been used to from a very young age. True Story: I was invited a few summers ago to the wedding of a woman I had known briefly. As with most of my friends, she found my rawness refreshing and we became close very quickly. Emma, (her fictitious name to respect privacy) was getting married at 27 years old and she was a "virgin." I used to always poke fun at her because like unicorns, I didn't think virgins really existed after the age of 18. The morning after her wedding night she called me crying. Emma said the sex was so painful she had to make her husband stop and she felt herself getting angry and afraid at the same time. I understood the possibility of pain because she was a "virgin" but the other emotions threw me off. I told her it would get better with practice and gave her some tips. This went on for over a month and Emma even picked up smoking, something she said she hadn't done since her late teens. At this point I knew something was terribly wrong and recommended that she see a therapist. During one of her sessions Emma went under hypnosis and it was here she realized what was going on with her. Emma was sexually abused by her stepbrother and her stepfather from the age of nine till seventeen.  She never told anyone for fear that she would get in trouble. Her stepfather was an older, wealthy man that took very  good care of her mother and other family members. Apparently, this man would threaten to stop taking care of her mom and convinced her she would be to blame if she told anyone. This is the reason I put "virgin" in quotes when referring to Emma. What my poor friend didn't  know was that she was not a virgin and hadn't been since she was nine years old. Emma repressed the memory of her abuse so much that it took hypnosis to reveal this demon. After some time of therapy independently and with her spouse, they were able to eventually enjoy a healthy sexual relationship.  I truly give kudos to the men in these relationships. These were young people at their sexual prime. Being in a relationship with someone you are attracted to but can't have sex with them because it inflicts pain, is admirable. How much of this can one person take? All of the women stated they felt "less than" and unable to have complete and healthy relationships. I have said this before and will say it again, sex is mental. Like Emma, all of these women with the exception of one were able to overcome these disorders with continual psychotherapy and sexual exercises. The one woman that did not get better during the airing of the show, found out she actually had a fracture in her pelvic area and had a 6 plus month healing time frame after the needed surgery. There is a possibility that after she healed, everything may have gone back to normal. Ladies, sex is not suppose to hurt. I hope this article empowers you to have your self checked, officially diagnosed and begin the healing process.