Do you even understand or have the slightest fucking idea of the magnitude and depths that my heart gave into this, into us, into YOU? See I'm sitting here x time later really having to ask myself this question over and over and over again? Because in no space or time that I know exists could I see anyone in there right mind not wanting a love like this. I mean my shit was DEEP. There was nothing, NOTHING that I would have not done for you. You were my Queen!! I'm that fucking chic that would have buried bodies for you, come home taken a shower, cook you some dinner, massage your feet, bathe you, lotion you down and then fuck the shit out of you until your satisfied. And I would have GLADLY been that bitch for you until the day I DIED!!!! Why the fuck would you mess something like this up???!!! Why the fuck could you not love me enough to be that woman I needed you to be for me. I really think you had me figured out all wrong. You think I don't know what type a chic you are???!!! Nigga, I'm that SAME chick!!!! I know how you think and I know how you roll. I would have gladly allowed you to be you, with the same understanding to allow me to be me. But here is where you fucked up!!! You forgot to take care of home!!!! You forget to make sure that no matter WHAT the fuck or WHO the fuck is going on, the WORLD knows who I am to you.I wanted you to be proud to shout from the rooftops that you fucking love me and how happy I was making you feel. All I ever wanted was for you to be as proud of having me as your woman as I was of having you as mine. I wanted you to have my fucking back and be there for me the way that I would drop the planet and be there for you. There was not one single fragment of your body that I would not willingly clean with my tongue. Everything about you was perfect to me. When I looked at you I saw the most beautiful woman in the world. Nobody could understand what I saw in you but I wasn't try to hear that shit. I didn't give a fuck what they thought cause you were my baby!! Now look what you done did!!!! Do you really think chemistry like ours can be replicated???!!! I don't have to do anything but barely whisper the word sex because I know what it does to you when you think about this pussy.........So we'll move on from that topic. Its just an unspoken understanding that the entire experience was some shit we both never experienced. I chose to embrace it and give it all that I could give and you, well you chose to be careless with it, take it for granted and destroy it.
Destroy it is exactly what you did to us and to me. I was broken, I felt betrayed, I felt played I felt like I missed out on some really great relationships, I felt rejected, I felt insecure, I felt alone and I was confused. Crazy thing is a lot of these emotions I was also feeling while IN the relationship!! So let me get this straight, I had fallen in love with a woman that was just an all around jerk to me???!!! WTF was I going through???!! Why the fuck would I ever think that was ok???!!! So then I had to take some self evaluation of ME time. Where was my self respect? Where was my self worth? When did I transform from being my OWN biggest supporter to subscribing to the fuckry????!!
And then one day it happened, I was delivered. I was finally given enough wiggle room to escape a little further from your hold. Far enough to see the sun and smell the roses. I was given a sneak peek flashback of what my days looked like when I was happy. I missed that person. I missed that woman. The more I got a taste of her the more it motivated me to fight for her full recovery. I was an addict for you. An addiction that was unhealthy and selfish.
I have to thank you though because the irony of this circumstance is that it was actually a test from God. He knew it was my time, he knew my blessing was around the corner and he wanted to make sure I was completely ready and deserving of her. He wanted to make sure I knew what it felt like to be absolutely head over heels, unconditionally in love with someone. He wanted to teach me patience, understanding, respect, monogamy and boundaries. He wanted me to see through the eyes of a woman in love so that when my time came I would be able to quickly see the truth. I would have the utmost respect, loyalty, understanding and dedication to my partner because I've experienced it and know the depths of that love.
I wouldn't fuck it up! I'm NOT going to fuck it up.
"If this isn't what my forever looks like then I may as well throw in the towel. However, my God is in control of my life so whatever path he leads I follow."
-Nina
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