Tuesday, January 25, 2011

ASK NINA:Falling In Love; How Does That Shit REALLY Work Itself Out??!!

A very interesting question came across my path this week from one of my male readers:

Nina, how soon is too soon to feel like you are falling in love with someone?

Unknown to most women, men fall in love at first sight even more frequently than do women. "The experts" say that "within the first fifteen seconds, a woman will have decided (sub-consciously) if she will give a guy a chance to try to make her fall in love or not." In the same amount of time, a man will have decided if he is "turned' on by how a woman looks or not. Men are very visual creatures and this will always be what grabs there attention first, that initial attraction. What is important to realize is that the answer to this question will change with age. The more a man is comfortable with himself and his ability to provide for a woman, the more he may seek a permanent mate instead of playing bedroom hopscotch. (in most cases) The answer to this question can also vary based on upbringing. What did this man see growing up when it comes to women? I remember a friend of mine in high school used to always tell me his dads motto on women was, "women ain't nothing but bitches and hoes." Go figure, some 15+ years later he is still not in a stable relationship and unlike Jay Z, he has "99 problems and a bitch IS one." My advice if you have those strong feelings for a woman, tell her. Hold back a little, don't go overboard and start speaking about marriage. Let her know you are interested in her much more than the rest and you would like to see where the relationship goes. Honesty in situations like that is always a good thing. Leave that "being hard" and "I'm a G" mentality in high school where it started. A smart woman will also pay more attention to your actions versus your words. So make sure the two are consistent. Telling her you have these feelings but not calling for a few days, or not making an effort to see her and do things to make her feel special, will send mixed signals and push her away. If you really feel like she is special and may be "the one," my advice is to Govern Yourself Accordingly.
So how soon is too soon?: Don't dismiss your emotions. Proceed with caution. Remember, if as a man you're thinking this may be potential "wifey" it is important to take time and look past the initial attraction. As you know that shit wears off and even the baddest of bitches seem average after awhile. Take some time and jot down a few traits important to you in a life partner, that has nothing to do with her physical. When you think you have a possible candidate, start looking for some of these traits. (don't tell her what they are because you want to make sure she is genuine) Don't look for perfection, just strive for a good LONG TERM match. Most importantly, take time to DATE her. If you do these things and are honest with yourself, you will know in due time if it was love that you are/were falling for or lust.

Ladies FYI:
Men typically have three stages they go through when "falling in love."
The first stage is instant, fast and furious: A man will have decided if he is turned on by how a woman looks. Sad but true fact. No matter how much we would like to believe we can simply appreciate human beings for their character rather than for their looks, nature has programmed our brains to "select out and respond to stimuli as sexually compelling or repelling simply based on good reproductive sense." In Layman's terms; who is best suited to carry on our gene, and legacy. Ladies we are not exempt from this rule of thumb. We use visual, emotional and safety (including financial) cues to "assess a man's desirability." Point blank, can this mother fucker make me feel good and handle his responsibilities? #amen Don't get it twisted though ladies this first stage, is pure sexual chemistry. At this stage you are still dispensable and interchangeable.You're still just another woman in the pack, and he is still very much attracted to several other women at the same time. Even though this stage is primarily based on "animal" instinct, it does not mean it is not very important. How physically attractive a man finds you determines how much time he'll want to spend with you, and later in the relationship "looks' confirm to him again and again why he finds you attractive. Hence the reason it is so important to take pride in your appearance throughout your relationship. You want this man to forever desire you the way he did when you guys first met.
The second stage is when he begins to see you as unique and special:
He may still be visually attracted to other women but there is just something about you and it is driving him nuts. Bitch, whatever it is you're doing is making him feel more energized just by being around you, which in turn makes him feel good about himself and about life in general. Here is where he begins to mark his territory. He pays more attention to your needs, spends more time with you and starts to get over protective when other men try to make a move. If you are with a guy who still wants to keep it "an open" relationship and does not mind you dating other guys, then he still has not reached this stage yet and its pointless to over invest in the relationship.

The third stage is when he has convinced himself that he is a happier and more fulfilled person with you in his life: He feels he is with the right woman at the right time, and at this stage, you will not even be asking the question "Is he in love with me?" because you will know. His actions will be consistent with his words. He will have NO problem telling you how he really feels.  He is attracted to you enough to want to "settle down". One things for sure ladies, at this stage you've officially reached "wifey" status.  Don't get lazy or sloppy, I know and have seen how some of you bitches do. You have to keep that man intrigued. I often chuckle to myself when I walk into a married couples home and damn near can't recognize the woman I am standing in front of, compared to the wedding pictures on the wall. If you pay attention, you will notice the women your man may look at or even step out on, is often a reflection of who you once were. Fuck the "I had kids" excuse!! Accept it for what it is, a damn excuse. Your a lazy bitch and you need to get it together.

I hope this information was helpful to my guys and my women. If you have anything to add or disagree on anything I may have said......
Hit me up and I'll let you know if I give a fuck....lol...Luv Ya!!
Shout out to Christine A. for some of the great info......
    Send your questions to: ninaniagra@gmail.com

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