Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Sexual Anorexia??!! WTF Is That???!!!!!
One evening this week, I watched a program that felt uncomfortably familiar. A young married couple came on and a husband started speaking of his difficulty in having sex with his wife. He said he would find ways to avoid having sex with her. It varied from picking fights, to staying up late or falling asleep before her. He was not having issues with impotence because he would masturbate regularly and was able to get easily aroused. His issues would only come about when sex was initiated with his wife. They went from having sex a few times a day, to having sex a few times a week, to having sex once a month, to once every few months. His wife had an extremely healthy sexual appetite and this quickly became a problem. She started to wonder if infidelity was a factor or if her husband was gay. She even went as far as making her husband take a lie detector test and be hypnotized. There marriage was on the brink of breaking up and they were not in a good place. I tell people all the time, sex in a relationship is more important than we care to admit. The husband was completely confused as to what he was going through because he was very much attracted to his wife and still sexually desired her. He was just not able to perform sexually with her. The act of sex with his wife became emotionally stressful, but he could not figure it out. As a last attempt to save there marriage, they went to a doctor to see if there was something medically wrong with him. What this couple found out was something they both never heard of, but felt relieved with the diagnosis. This husband had something called "Sexual Anorexia." Sexual Anorexia is a term used to describe a loss of "appetite" for romantic-sexual interaction. Basically, the person has a fear of intimacy to the point of severe anxiety when it comes to sex that requires being emotionally vested. Usually common in an intimate relationship. What is so confusing about sexual anorexia is that you/they commonly appear to have a sexual addiction, but more accurately fit the definition of sexual anorexic. They seem to lack the ability to have a relationship of a sexual nature beyond a paid-for or anonymous experience. Having sex is not the problem, intimacy is. A sex addict is often married or in a committed relationship before deciding or realizing that treatment for the addiction is needed. Hence the reason it took this husband getting married before he even realized he had a problem. A sexual anorexic may have a social phobia or be so fragile emotionally that the risk of rejection or criticism is debilitating. This fear of rejection stems from the person being so emotionally invested with there partner, that it ultimately cripples them of the ability to be sexually intimate. I share this with my readers, for fear that many of us are incorrectly self diagnosed. However, most importantly I feel as though many relationships are in danger of dissolving as a result of Sexual Anorexia. In no way am I condoning infidelity, but I think we should be open to these possibilities. Especially, when we have a partner that is a repeat offender with cheating. A relationship is work, and requires much attentiveness in order to preserve it. I think as human beings, when we share ourselves sexually it is such a personal expression, that we tend to be less understanding, forgiving or patient when our partner cheats. We are unwilling to be open to the possibility that our partner may be experiencing psychological issues. As with any disease, some are incurable. After an honest attempt to remedy the "disorder", then you have to decide what will be best for you and your sanity. I think it is important to reach out for professional or mature help. We can't expect change by us demanding it or expecting it. Our partner may be dealing with deep emotional scars from their childhood. It's 100x more difficult for a man to admit sexual abuse at a young age for fear of embarrassment. This past could lead to a distorted view of what a healthy sexual relationship should look like. I write this post with an extremely heavy heart, because I can now understand better the reason for some of my relationships not working out. I chalked it up to me just being bored and needing someone that was more "sexually compatible." I failed to remember that at one point this person/s matched me quite well, but once it no longer became a challenge I lost interest. I felt solice in knowing there is help for Sexual Anorexia. Treatment is aimed at helping the person see where his/her fears really are and to see the world in less black and white terms. Therapist will encourage you/us to take calculated risks with social activities. The goals for both sex addicts and sexual anorexics is to learn to have healthy sex, get emotional needs met in direct ways, and to set healthy boundaries. It requires ongoing treatment with the end goal of autonomy, independence, and improved social relationships. Be open to the possibility, knowledge is power.
Having this blog has been such an amazing vice for me. I have acquired fans all over the world that share and appreciate the things I talk about. This will be my 100th post since the launch of NinaNiagra and I want to thank EVERYONE (including my haters) for your continued support in making this blog successfull.